Should I give him an ultimatum about porn

You do not owe him a perfect emotional performance. You owe him a clear line that protects you.

The Evans framing of repeated gaslighting episodes shows a 2.4x anxiety risk in partners.

If you keep taking vague calls while under constant uncertainty, your nervous system will pay the price.

Why some people get ultimata wrong

"If you leave me, I am done." That is not an ultimatum. It is a threat and often an invitation to argue.

A better line is: "If secrecy and lying continue, I will live separately and move to recovery support."

This gives him one fork in the road, no guessing.

How to write a real ultimatum

One behavior line.

One timeframe.

One consequence.

Example: no hidden accounts for 14 days. If broken, no contact while I start separation planning.

You can include therapy in this plan, but not as a substitute for behavior.

After he receives it

Option one: he agrees and does the work.

Option two: he argues and stalls.

Option three: he refuses and blames.

If options two or three happen, follow your own consequence right away.

Your final line

I want to keep this in one sentence: write once, send once, follow through once.

If he cannot hold that, your relationship already teaches you what this is made of.